This blog is dedicated to my 'current'. {He knows 'of ' this blog, but doesn't know about it}
I've been with my current since 1996. I met him when I was 14 years old. I saw him at the mall, and we spoke...we were inseperable for a very long time. It was during our high school years, and we were learning so much so fast. FastForward---->1999 he graduates high school, and decides that he wants to join the military and that was the end of us. I moved on with my life and he did the same. I ended up having a daughter with someone else, and married that person.{You'll 'meet' him in a future blog} Anyway...I never forgot about him. Our time apart, always had me wondering where he was, what he was doing and who was he with. We had ended all communication, and so they were just left as thoughts. I had a tough life for awhile. But I missed my first love. In 2002, I was recently divorced, and decided to try and locate my heart, because I felt empty. I called a few connects, and was able to pass my number along so that he could call me. He did. We spoke, and it was like we had never skipped a beat. I found out a lot of things that had been going on with him. Things that would turn most women the other way. I knew him...the real him. I wasn't phased. He was still in the military and didn't foresee a leave of any kind. He was there. I was somewhere else. We talked on the phone everyday...$6400 worth of phone calls. In 2005, he suffered the biggest blows of his life 3 days apart, his parents passed away. 2 separate deaths, for 2 totally different reasons.{i.know.right?} HE WAS COMING HOME!! I was so sad/nervous/excited all at the same time. I was there at the airport when he arrived. Again...Hurricane Katrina couldn't have ripped us apart. I was his support. His strength. I was there for him 100%.
We moved forward from his parents deaths together. In 2008 we were officially...united. It was thee best day of my life. Everyone says we're soul mates. I believe that. We did everything together...and for one another. What goes up...must come down. He cheated. And cheated. And cheated. I cried....and then got smart! I played the game {with no manual}:inside.joke:
I love this man more than I've ever loved anybody, and I have a hatred and resentment for him all the same. I've been living a lie. I have men on the side and he has no clue! He had chicks on the side, and thinks I have no clue...I have names, addresses and phone numbers. Women are smarter than men or are we? Am I a fool for living this way. I'm content when I'm with one of the 'others'....I'm pissed @ the 'current' when I'm not. I don't love these niggas...I just want them. My life is dysfunctional beauty. This is not your average, run of the mill marriage. I don't want that either. I live for the days full of uncertainty. Will I get caught? Will I just confess? Nah...this game is too much fun. A fucked up game of 'I can out-fuck you'. If he knew what I was doing behind his back...he'd be devastated. Yes, devastated. But why? Because he didn't know, or because I spend my days making him feel shitty for what I know he does. It's a mental game of bullshit, and I love it. I have thought about couples counseling...but thought better of it because I would want to go in whole hearted, but couldn't bare to confess my sins. Am I crazy...or am I winning this game? I use every chance I get to throw his infidelities up in his face...with a guilty soul. I believe that it's his fault our shit is so fucked up. I would have NEVER considered doing what I've done, had it not been for him fucking it up in the first place.
I never cry to family and friends about this shit because I have it under control. I have plans for the future, which include getting in PRIME physical shape, on behalf of his top of thee line insurance, obtain gainful employment and all that comes with that. I need this nigga on so many levels it's ridiculous. It won't be this way forever. If we do fix this relationship of ours, shit will be different! 100% so. He won't know what hit him. I gotta admit though-{I don't think I could ever leave that dick alone.} He's packing and knows how to lay it down! LOL I swear he has batteries in his tongue, LOL But really, he is a good guy for the most part. He loves his kids, works full time, shows me affection and love....but that side shit, he just won't let go of....and neither will/can I. I'm a good woman....a strong woman. One of these days he will realize that, and we can come up on the come up together. It takes hard work and dedication. He's not gonna let go of me, and I'm not gonna let go of him, Until I get ready. The moral of this story is: I'm not going anywhere until he upgrades me. Love it or hate it....it is what it is. Benefits are meant to be split 2 ways. Like my Granny said.....2 wrongs don't make a right, but my wrong makes me feel better.
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